My entire life. My entire life I have been taught that God loves me. For all 18 years I have been taught that God is love and that I am loved by Him. After hearing it for so long you would assume I would understand and believe that. I assumed I did too. 

I don’t believe it. I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth. I don’t believe that God loves me for who I am - without the performance, without the faith, and without serving Him. My whole life I have operated in a way that I thought would please Him. Which is amazing, but I have been doing it to earn His love. Thinking that maybe one day - when I am fully who created me to be, without sin, He would love me. But that is so contrary to what the Bible teaches, so why have I been believing it?

As I spend time diving into my own faith and character, the Lord has been revealing lies that I have been believing. These lies have been keeping me from deliverance. I want to be free. These lies are keeping me from fully trusting the Father, which plays into my relationship with others. Because if I cannot trust a perfect God, then how could I ever trust any human being? Well, guess what. I’m done. I don’t want to believe these lies anymore. 

Now the hard part - believing I am loved unconditionally. How could a magnificent eternal and omniscient God love me when I constantly put other things before Him. When I constantly fall short. I constantly sin against Him. How could He ever love me enough to allow His son to suffer for me. I am not good enough, that’s why I need saving. 

And the only person that can save me is Jesus. Everything points back to Him. I wrestle with this constantly, and clearly I have for years. But everything points back to Him. HE never falls short, even when I constantly do. HE always shows up, when no one else does. He has so much patience. 

My foundation isn’t shattered right now, but it is shifting. I had a faulty foundation on which I built my life. I want a firm foundation, and He is working to fill in the cracks and realign the cornerstone. This is a process, it’s healing, but it will not be left undone. 

Two nights ago during worship I was talking to the Lord about everything. I was asking Him what to do next, and how can I learn that He loves me without performance. And then I heard His voice so clearly. He said - so stop performing. I wrestled with this for a while, but then I also got sick. I haven’t been able to do anything, and I am trying to learn how to sit back and be still. 

It’s not an easy lesson to learn, and it makes me sick to admit it sometimes, but love is the foundation of every fruit of the spirit. I also want to know I am loved, so that I can better love others.