Recently, I’ve been seeking to understand rest. Rest in my own life, and what it means to rest in Christ. I started evaluating it in my own life, and let me tell you - I couldn’t find any. Someone asked me the other day how I rest, and I answered honestly by saying, “I don’t.” When I sit down to watch a movie or read a book, I can’t fully relax. When sleeping, I don’t get deep sleep and I wake up multiple times in a night. There’s nothing that I do currently that leaves me walking away refreshed with lots of energy to live my life. 

After this realization, I started asking and learning what it means to rest in Christ. What it means to lie down and let Him take care of me. Because that is something I am not good at, and I struggle to sit still. I go before He tells me to go, and I try to take things into my own hands. I was talking to one of my leaders, Amanda, about this. She said you wait, you just lay there loving Jesus, and then you go when He says to go and you stay when He says to stay. You move only when He tells you to, and you will begin to understand that His timing is perfect. 

Many times since then, I’ve just pictured Jesus holding me. I’ve imagined Him wrapping His arms around me, and I just take a deep breath. I have been constantly going back to Him and receiving rest. Doing that has already improved a lot of things and I’m starting to get used to it. Now the next step is learning how to live in His arms. Learning how to stay there, and never leave. Never get up unless He tells me to. I’ve realized that this is when the door is open for stress and anxiety - when we leave His arms. When I try to plan something or do something in my own strength, that’s when anxiety creeps in. I hate it. 

I haven’t struggled with anxiety in a long time. It had such a hold over my life that I recognize the second it returns, and I freak out because I want nothing more than to never experience it again. So when it shows up I take notice, and it has normally been when I am not trusting the Father. This week I have had a lot of anxiety over my future and over things that I cannot control. It’s because I’m trying to plan it out myself. Then if my plans don’t work out, I think I’m screwed. But I want to do what God wants, and I want to be obedient. 

So I am choosing to trust Him. I am choosing to rest with Him. I am choosing to let Him plan my future, and all I have to do is be obedient. In His arms in the safest place to be. Learning how to live my life for Christ has been revolutionary each and every day. 

This week has been hard, if I'm going to be honest. I have been looking into colleges or something to do once we are done with spring semester. I’ve been feeling so incredibly behind. It was stressing me out to rush and get things done, scrambling to plan my future. I was feeling behind, because I thought this year would be my “first” year of college, and turns out it’s more of a gap year. That turned into me already being a year behind, and having to catch up. And then I realized, where is this pressure coming from? God isn’t telling me I’m behind, He isn’t telling me I need to enroll in college for next fall, He isn’t telling me that I need a degree in four years. He’s been telling me to trust Him, and that He’s got it all figured out. 

Do I really, truly, care about what the world says I need to do? No. I don’t, so why have I been putting all of this pressure on myself. I am focused on being obedient, because nothing else matters. Nothing apart from Christ matters - not where I end up, not what I end up doing, and not what I do as a “career.” I am learning to sit down, and rest in His arms. “You’re not behind my girl, just sit here with me, I’ve got you.” Is what Jesus has said to me over and over, and I think it’s time I finally listen. 

A little update ~ we have been in a small town in Northern Italy for about a week and a half. Peschiera del Garda is our town, around 30 mins away from Verona. We got the chance to meet with the director of Alpha ministries, he runs alpha all over the country. It is a ministry for teenagers, a program that teaches them the gospel and then disciples them. We got to be a part of a small “alpha night” ourselves, going through one of the courses with one another. It was a good opportunity to meet them and begin praying for them. We head to Remini, Italy tomorrow where we will have a small debrief before heading to Rome. We go to Rome on the 30th, and fly to Mexico on January 2nd. We meet up with everyone on the 3rd and begin our training camp on the 4th. I am beyond excited! To wrap up our ministry and time here in Italy, as well as see our family again and begin ministry in Mexico!! The holidays away from home have been hard, and I miss people back home. Although it is such a blessing to have people in my life worth missing. A little fundraising update ~ I am now 92% funded! Thank Jesus, and thank you to everyone who has supported me financially as well as in prayer! I have just a little over $1,400 to go and then I am fully funded!! Hallelujah, until next time folks.