How often do we operate in a spirit that’s not from God and don’t even realize it? There have been things that I have been doing, conversations that I have had, comments that I have made, that have caused disunity - even if that wasn’t my heart’s intention. I have been hurting, and I haven’t been honest about it. I say the right words, and I wear the right masks, and I fall right back into pretending that I am okay. Because I am a leader, and I can’t show that I am weak, right? That’s a lie. 

Why have we always been told that leaders have to be the strongest in the room? Why have we always been taught that they have to have it all together? Why have I been believing that lie and operating in it my entire life? Sure, I’ve been hurt, but everyone else has been too. I’m not special in that way, I’m not unique in that way, everyone goes through crap, but why have I felt like I have to have it together in every moment of my life? 

I don’t want to operate like that anymore, because at this point it’s causing more harm than good. It’s pushing people further from the Lord rather than closer to Him. Regardless of whether I like to admit it or not, the hurt is coming out in other areas of my life. I have idolized my emotions and ran with them, rather than surrendering them to the Lord and talking to Him about it. I have been operating in my own strength, and it’s ugly. 

It’s really ugly. The things that have come out of my mouth, the flesh and sin that I have let myself be a part of. The things I have accused people of rather than listening to them. The opinions that I have sided with that aren’t fruitful. The selfishness that I have been blinded by. The destruction I have caused. The disunity I have brought. It’s ugly. It’s all really ugly. 

The Lord chased me down and told me I was doing it. He used one of my leaders to call me out and call me higher. He cares about my heart, and He knows that it was never my intention to cause harm, even though it was happening. So, time for real healing, but that means no more hiding. That means masks off, and being weak in front of people. Everyone’s favorite thing right? 

I truly don’t know how anyone lives in this world without Christ. How are people okay? How are people living? Because I don’t have to do this on my own, but I would probably give up if I did. I would probably never deal with it, and spend my whole life tearing other people down. But the amount of growth I have experienced and seen with my own two eyes, wow. Just wow. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t believe in Christ. Because what the heck, my life is so drastically different. My life dramatically changed the second I actually let Him have my heart. 

But, it took awhile. Back in Albania I had one of the hardest conversations of my life. Because it was real. It was raw. It was honest. And it was about my walk with the Lord. I was asked, by the same leader who called me out this week, if I believed that the Lord loved me. My knee jerk response was yes, but my real answer was yes, if I serve Him. If I act like the perfect Christian girl who looks like she has it all together, then He will love me. If I wear all the right masks and show up a certain way, then He will love me. If I say all the right things, then He will love me. If I tell people what they want to hear, then He will love me. If I served the Lord in every area of my life, then He will love me. 

That sounds like conditional love to me. Wow, I didn’t believe the Lord loved me unconditionally. That same leader asked later, that If I was a vegetable, and couldn’t move, function, or speak, would I believe that the Lord still loved me. And my honest answer was no. I wasn’t in a spot where I trusted Him with everything. So I asked Him to teach me, I asked Him to show me. The Scriptures say to test Him, and that’s what I did. I tested, okay Lord, if you want me to trust you, you are going to have to prove yourself trustworthy. 

Thinking back on this, I feel so silly. Of course He is trustworthy, He has never failed me once in my entire 18 years of living. I want to say, Addy girl open your eyes He has been right here the whole time, but I needed Him to show me. I needed Him to show me so that I could give Him my yes. 

Giving Him my yes. That by itself is single handedly the greatest thing I have ever done and will ever do in my life. Why? Because He uses that. He uses that to bring people to Him, to reveal Himself to others, to expand the Kingdom. He uses my yes to operate through me. Think about it, He can’t operate through us if we don’t give Him permission. And He’s done a lot in this situation, because not only did I give Him my yes for now, I gave Him my yes for my entire life. Whatever He wants to do, however He wants to partner with me, wherever He wants to send me; my answer is YES. Because why wouldn’t it be? If God wants to do something, isn’t it going to be amazing? If the King of the universe wants to use ME for something, I know it’s going to be good, because He didn’t have to pick me. 

Let me tell you, He can use anyone, and anything. He is picking you because there is no one else that will have the same level of effectiveness for the Kingdom. Isn’t that so cool? He didn’t have to create me, yet He chose to. He doesn’t have to use me for anything, yet He does because He loves me, and wants to show me His character, His power, and His great plans. 

God is so good, and I don’t understand His timing. But I don’t have to, because I’m in a relationship with He who does. And who is gracious enough to explain it to me and show me when I need to understand. He works in mysterious ways, and He is the only one who changes hearts. He is the only one who brings people to their knees in repentance. He is the only one who loves unconditionally. I’ve seen it, and I’ve experienced it, and I am committed to spending the rest of my life humbled before Him, with a yes ready for Him. Until next time! :)