We’ve made it to Mexico! We had a 48 hour travel day on our way from Rome to Chiapas, but it was well worth it. We did have to sleep on an airport floor for 15 hours, but that just adds to the memories. So we made it, and then all of the returning and new students showed up. It was a great reunion, but I was struggling with change. Everything is so incredibly different here. The city, the people, the ministry, the weather, the classes, our squad, and even some of our leaders. It was extremely overwhelming at first and I don’t think I took a deep breath for at least 72 hours. Even though all of the changes are amazing. I love everything so much, I am so happy to see everyone again, and we are living at an orphanage with around 100 kids. I still struggled with transition and figuring out my place among the community again. Eventually it smoothed out, but it took a while.

I realized I had poured every ounce of myself out the first week. I gave everyone everything I had, and I was left bone dry. I wanted to create the same community that we had within “Christmas crew,” and I tried my hardest to work towards that goal. I wanted a deep rooted connection with everyone, and it was so draining. I left nothing for myself, I was doing what I wanted to do, and I wasn’t relying on the Lord’s strength. That leads me to the next lesson the Lord has brought up in my life. 

My lack of dependence on Him. Why has change always been so tiring for me? Because I have never depended on the Lord’s strength before. I have always tried to do things on my own, and it has never worked. My whole life I took pride in the fact that I was an independent kid who could handle her own. Honestly I am realizing that was another lie that I was believing, because I couldn’t handle anything on my own and it ran me into the ground. Time and time again. I ran until there was no ounce of energy left in my body, mind, and spirit. 

So, yet again, the Lord is teaching me how to be a little girl again, but His little girl this time. I’ve never allowed myself to be His little girl, I was never even able to be a little girl. I was forced to take up arms and fight for justice, to fight for my physical and mental wellbeing. Yet I didn’t realize I had my dad there right next to me. Waiting for me to run to Him for safety, for strength, and for love. I never did. I never received any of those things and I am relearning how to now. In Chiapas, Mexico of all places. At 18 years old in the middle of my 9 month mission trip traveling the world and being the hands and feet of Jesus. Who knew.

He is so sweet to me. He is so patient. I often take His promises and hold on with an incredibly strong grip. I don’t give them up, because I am scared I am going to lose them. I hold on to what feels secure so I can be okay. But then I don’t pursue Christ head on, it’s always with a slight bend. I was talking to Tammy, one of my leaders, this morning and she said one time she was talking to Jesus about the same thing. He told her that she can’t hold on to the promise and to Him at the same time. And nothing is more true. He holds the promise and we hold on to Him. We aren’t in control, we don’t know when or how we are going to get the promise, but we have to trust that He is going to give it to us. In His time. 

I asked the Lord the other day to teach me how to be dependent on Him. Let me tell you, He answered that prayer real fast. Our schedule right now is incredibly busy, it's hard, there isn’t free time, and I desire deep rooted connection with others and it's not really possible in the ways that I want it to happen. We don’t have 5 hours a day to spend in community with our team like we did over Christmas. We don’t even have one. So there it is. I asked Christ to teach me how to be dependent on Him and the next day He gave me something I cannot do on my own. Something I don’t have the strength to do on my own. So, once again, He is forcing me to rely on Him because I have no other option. Yet it’s not forced, He does it in a way that is so merciful and comes with so many blessings. So much love and no shame. Just Him desiring my heart and my ask. 

This next season is going to be really hard, but also it will be so rewarding and I am so incredibly excited for it. I am going to learn so many new aspects of God’s character, and by doing things in His order it will be according to His plan. And that’s the best spot to be in. I’m learning how to lift my eyes to Him, to maintain eye contact with Him through the storms so I can walk on water. But He’s with me, He’s with me through the storms, and that’s a safer spot to be in than the boat. I desire more of Him. I want to be more like Him, and do more for Him. I am willing to do hard things, because honestly I thrive doing hard things. I am looking forward to how God shapes me through the pressure, and I am looking forward to the final product that He creates. 

Also, praise be to the King because I am fully funded!! All I have is a hallelujah, and a thank you for all of you guys who have been intentional in blessing this ministry. The ministry that I get to partner with God and go big places and do big things. Thank you thank you thank you. Next week I will give an update about all of the ministry we are doing here, projects we are working on, and the coffee ministry that I get to intern with and support the families and kids of Chiapas. Until next time!